Its Not As Fun As They Made It Out To Be

I got high,

it was my first time.

They say it won’t be much,

but I felt like a million bucks.

For the first time,

nothing bothered me.

Not the thought  of going home,

a place that’s a lie of a word.

Not my body image,

where I feel like I will never be what I want.

Not my depression,

a feeling of being dead even though I am breathing.

Not that voice, 

of a boy I once was.

Yet,

when it ended...

I felt nothing still,

the apathy stayed.

“That’s a side affect”,

I was told,

but,

I know that’s not true.

I realized,

that I had actually felt no different

than my sober self.

I now know,

that all of those feelings,

I suppress.

I now know,

that I am scared of myself,

and I hate it.

I hate that I’m scared,

not of who I am,

not of who I can and will be,

but instead,

of the actions that I will make,

in order to become

the person I want to be.

I don’t want to feel broken.

I don’t want to ignore myself.

I want to be what I want.

I don’t want others to define me.

I don’t want to feel worthless.

I don’t want to feel lost.

And because of what I don’t want...

I’ve become the person I feared I would be.